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Power Rangers: A Look Back (NC script)
NC: Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. (Sigh) Cut to title sequence for Mighty Morphin Power Rangers NC (voiceover): Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers. I have to admit: growing up, I wasn't really a Power Rangers kid. I was more in the Ninja Turtles/X-Men crowd. In fact, when the show first premiered, I remember saying to myself "There's NO way this is gonna catch on. People can't POSSIBLY be this stupid." Back to NC NC: And this is why I'm not in the stock market. More title sequence footage NC (voiceover): The show, about six bland teenagers who save the world from Japanese stock footage, was such a huge hit that they eventually made a movie out of them in 1995. Back to NC NC: And does it suck balls? (silent)Oh yeah. (audible again) Major balls. Footage contrasting show and movie, then just the movie NC (voiceover): In fact, the only difference between the movie and the show is that movie actually had a budget. But instead of using it on mind-blowing special effects and high-tech wizardry...they use it to go skydiving. Back to NC NC: In fact, that's how the movie begins! With skydiving. Like someone threw a whole bunch of money at the producers and they said "Yeehaw, let's go skydiving! Bring the camera along, I'm sure we'll fit it in the movie somehow!" Footage of the skydiving sequence, then footage illustrating his points NC (voiceover): And as you probably would've guessed, it's an entirely pointless sequence. Now the first thing you Power Rangers fans might've noticed is the changing cast. In the film, we see there's a black girl and an Asian boy. But wait a minute, wasn't there originally an Asian girl and a black boy? Well the problem with that was the black boy was put in the black suit and the Asian girl was put in the yellow suit. Back to NC NC: (hiss through his teeth) Not very political-correcto. More footage NC (voiceover): When the producers realized racial stereotyping wasn't in at the moment, they got rid of the two actors, saying there was an intergalactic unemployment line that needed waiting in, and replaced them with the two you see now. However, the two cast members that SADLY remained the same are Bulk and Skull, the supposed bullies of the group. Back to NC NC: Which I always found kinda strange--if they don't like the Power Rangers, and they're always picking on them, why do they hang out with them all the time? Footage Amy/Pink Ranger: Hey guys! You might wanna slip THOSE on (points to parachutes) Wah wah machine/shrugging gag NC (voiceover): The story, or some semblance thereof, is centered around a space-traveling villain named Ivan Ooze, who's just a little less annoying than Rita and Zedd, the Lucy and Ricky Ricardo of evil. Rita: Finally, a REAL man! Zedd: Grrrr... NC (voiceover): His plan is to hunt down and destroy the Rangers' intergalactic leader, Zordon. Back to NC NC: Who, despite having all the powers of the universe, STILL can't manage to sync up his voice with his lip movements. Zordon: It is good to see you again too! Alpha 5: AYIYIYIYI! NC: Oh, and I forgot about his little assistant Alpha. The best way to describe him is: imagine C3PO being even GAYER than he already is. I know that's hard to fathom, but that's pretty much what you get. Footage NC (voiceover): Things start heating up when Ooze starts destroying Zordon for making him miss all the years of torment Earth has gone through. Ooze: The Black Plague! The Spanish Inquisition! The Brady Bunch Reunion... NC (on screen): I gotta admit, that's actually kinda funny. NC (voiceover): So Zordon's power is destroyed and he's slowly wasting away into a festering ball of nothingness. But don't worry, that doesn't interrupt the Rangers' skydiving and roller-blading. It does however take away their Mighty Morphin' powers. THAT seems to get their attention. Tommy/White Ranger: We may not have our powers, but we're still the Power Rangers! Back to NC NC: No, I'm gonna disagree with ya there Tommy. Ya see, being a Power Ranger implies you have actual POWERS. So without power, you're just a plain old ranger, and trust me, they're not very powerful. Picture of Mr. Ranger from Yogi Bear, then footage NC (voiceover): Especially when trying to protect picnic baskets. Alpha then tells them the only way to save Zordon is to find the great power that is located on a planet far, far away. Back to NC NC: The great power? Well what's that, where does it come from, how does it work? Footage NC (voiceover): Well this movie has far too many action sequences to worry about tiny little things like plot. However it does take time to tap into our emotional sides. Amy: Zordon, you can't leave us! Ever since you came into our lives, you've been like a father to us all. Back to NC NC: Yes, I think we can all agree that Zordon has been like a father figure to us all. ...WHERE ARE THESE KIDS' PARENTS?! Footage NC (voiceover): I mean seriously, do they ever show up? Are they so inattentive that they don't realize their kids are on another planet fighting giant black chickens? Back to NC NC: Do you think they even know they're Power Rangers? I mean how do they miss something like that? Footage NC (voiceover): And just when you thought this movie couldn't get any lamer, take a look at what pops up next. Footage of Dosia revealing herself; NC facepalms Dosia: I am Dosia, master warrior of the planet Phados. NC (on screen): The planet what? Come on, you could find more convincing names in a Star Trek word jumble. NC (voiceover): So apparently she fights off the birds by swinging these two sticks together, throwing them into some kind of hypnotic trance. Back to NC NC: Yeah, how is that supposed to put you in a trance? Just taking two sticks and swinging them up and down and up and down up and down... Close up on Dosia's outfit, to NC, etc. etc. NC: Up and down, up and down up and down up and down up and down up and down up and down up and down up and down up and down up and down Dosia whips around and a loud smacking sound is heard, knocking off NC's hat NC: You win this round, Dosia! Footage NC: So she tells them they have to travel to a giant phallic symbol that apparently holds the great power. To do that she dresses them in fashionable burkhas and gives them the power of the new Sacred Animals. Dosia: (to Aisha) You are the bear, fierce and unstoppable. (to Billy) You are the wolf, cunning and swift. (to Adam) Adam, what's wrong? Adam: I'm a frog. Dosia: Yes, a frog! Like the one you kiss (kiss) and get a handsome prince. Back to NC NC: What the hell is that? Kissing is my superpower? You shittin' me? They get the strength and the swift and I get kissing? What kinda bullshit is that? Don't let her get away with that, stand up for yourself maggot! Hey! Hey bitch, get back here! Where's my real superpower? Hey! Hey! HEY! Fuck this man, I'm gonna go into anime. Footage NC (voiceover): So the Power Rangers head out on a spiritual and enlightening journey, which I actually kinda like. It's good to see these kids look inside themselves and see their true spiritual essence. And what exactly do they learn on this journey of self-discovery? NOTHING! They kick some ass and they get their powers back. That's it. Back to NC NC: Bullshit. That's like telling a kid the secret to enlightenment is punching somebody in the face, which isn't that bad an idea right now. Footage NC (voiceover): As always, the Rangers have a thrilling giant robot fight in the middle of the city. The traditional robot models are replaced this time with CG replicas. And I never thought I'd say this, but after watching this metallic diarrhea, I actually think I prefer the toy models. There's also a subplot about how Ivan Ooze hypnotizes all the parents in the city and forces them to jump off a cliff. NC (on screen): I'm sympathizing with them at this point. NC (voiceover): But don't worry, there's a little 12 year old boy who knows how to operate a crane and a monorail! Where the hell did he pick that up?! Was there a "How to handle heavy machinery class in grade school?" If so, how did I miss THAT class? The battle eventually works itself up into outer space, where the mother of all finishing blows is thrown. Footage of the Megazord kneeing Ivan Ooze in the groin NC: DUDE, did you just see that? Show it again NC: EEEEE! Real good lesson for the kids, guys. If you can't overcome your enemies, just kick 'em in the happy sack and they'll go down like anyone else. Top notch! Footage NC (voiceover): Upon hitting an asteroid, Ivan Ooze is destroyed and the Rangers fly off to save Zordon. But unfortunately, they're too late. Zordon is gone. If only they had gone to save him first instead of showing off their brand new fighting moves and special effects. If only...if only... Tommy: Remember what we learned? To those who possess the great power, all things are possible. NC (on screen): No Tommy, no! That's crazy talk! Tommy: Come on. NC: Can it be? Is it possible? Footage of the Rangers resurrecting Zordon NC: Wait a minute (record scratch) If the great power has the ability to do anything, couldn't they just use it to destroy Ivan Ooze in the first place? THIS MOVIE MAKES NO SENSE! Nothing about the Power Rangers does! Footage illustrating his points NC (voiceover): How come the monsters always land in the exact same city? How come the city turns into a canyon whenever the fight's about to happen? How come no one recognizes the Rangers even though they wear the exact same colors everyday? How come they always move like they have Tourette's Syndrome? How come Rita's voice never sounds right? How come they dress up like NASCAR mannikins? How come it's sunny in space? How come Alpha's so gay? How come Kimberley's apparently so hot? Back to NC NC: WHY WHY WHY?! ...I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to! Power Rangers Theme plays over credits NC: AND WHY IS THAT GODDAMN SONG SO CATCHY?